The Honorable Mentions of 2023

Greetings, Movie Fans!

Now it's time to get into the good stuff! Color me surprised how 2023 ended up being what I consider to be a pretty stellar year for movies, and trust me, it was desperately needed after about a three year slump between 2020 and 2022. For a few of those years, it was hard to find enough movies to fill a Top 10, no less have an Honorable Mentions roster. As for 2023, this is the largest stack of Honorable Mentions I've had in an age, and the Top 10 for the year was pretty tough to put together from all the choices.

While the Top 10 will be last one I post for obvious reasons, I wanted to take some time to shine a light on films that I loved from last year that, if the competition hadn't been so stiff, would have likely made the Top 10 in their own right. 

There's a decent pile to get through here, so I will keep it short and sweet (maybe).

Here are my Honorable Mention films from 2023, in no particular order:

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem"

I don't think it would be fair to say that this is the TMNT movie "I've been waiting my whole life for" or anything, as I still have a strong affinity towards the live action Turtles from the 90s, and while my expectations were pretty low at the time, I found the animated "TMNT" from 2007 to be far more enjoyable than I predicted. I've still largely ignored the live action films from the 2010s that have Michael Bay's stink all over them, because life is too short. Still, I couldn't help but love pretty much everything "Mutant Mayhem" had to offer. I know there was some criticism about it having too much comedy in it, but to that I say "Fuck It", because there's already an abundance of seriousness in cinema. The cast absolutely nailed the essence of the characters with a modern twist, a bulk of the jokes landed, and "Mutant Mayhem" is yet another new animated release showing some pretty impressive innovation in style. Perhaps Disney should take some notes. 

"The Super Mario Bros. Movie"

If this ends up being the crowning achievement for Illumination Studios for the rest of time, I'm totally fine with that. Granted, I wanted "Super Mario Bros." to be an hour longer and I am completely open to sequels and spin-offs from Nintendo, because holy shit, could you imagine all the potential gold?? While geared towards a younger crowd, the animation was absolutely stunning in this picture, the cast couldn't have been much more perfect if it tried, and my inner child was smiling nostalgically from ear-to-ear. Case closed.

"Evil Dead Rise"

When I went to see "Evil Dead Rise" in the theater back in April, I thought for sure when it ended that it was going to be my pick for the best horror film of the year, and it still would be Top 5 for sure, but 2023 boasted a better horror selection than I anticipated. Regardless, "Rise" has everything that I love about the series to date: Tongue-in-cheek humor, strong performances from a lesser known cast, and copious amounts of blood and body horror. Raimi and Campbell - keep 'em coming, lads!

"Guardians of the Galaxy, Vol. 3"

For as much as I have enjoyed the MCU, particularly through the Thanos saga, even I have to admit that while I'm not experiencing what most are calling "fatigue", the whole project feels incredibly awkward right now due Covid completely fucking up the schedule, and Disney not handling that all-too-well. This latest installment of "Guardians" almost feels like a misfit in a mix of new avenues and names that don't appear to have a clear path to where they're going with all the cast and crew changes going on. If I can tune all that out, though, "Vol. 3" was a pretty superb ending to the trilogy. I wouldn't say it matches the heights of the first one, but I do feel it had quite a bit more to offer than "Vol. 2". Being one of my favorite sections of the MCU to date, it was hard to say goodbye to this crew, but in the end, I suppose bittersweet is a good thing.

"Elemental"

It feels like it's been a minute since the last time I truly loved a Pixar movie. To be clear, I like all of them, and I don't feel there are any bad films in the catalog. Some are great and some are excellent, and there are some that are, in modesty, just good. I don't know if I can say I love "Elemental", but it is Pixar's best film since "Soul", and there are many aspects of the film that I did love. First and foremost, the animation is gorgeous, which is par for the course for Pixar, but in the case of "Elemental", it was in the minor details that the shine came through. There are a few scenes that gave me that good old fashioned jaw-drop reaction. Don't get me wrong, the characters are solid, the actors performing them are also amicable, and the story is fine, I'm just getting to the point where I'm itching for Pixar to pivot and try something new. Either way, it's still a keeper!

"Sisu"

I don't care how old I get and how many of this type of film comes out during that time, there's always going to be something incredibly arousing about unflinchingly graphic carnage at the expense of Nazis. 

Go ahead, please tell me how that's in poor taste. 

This latest entry in the saga introduces the myth of a being called "Sisu", and how an aging gold-digger who is simply trying to exist in his own little bubble at the closing days of World War II gets stumbled across by a group of fleeing Nazis. They decide this guy would be fun to fuck with, only to find out he's kinda really good at killin'. That's pretty much all there is and all there needs to be. If you like watching Nazis getting justice the bloody and violent way, "Sisu" will satisfy all your needs!

"SAW X"

"SAW" - love it. "SAW II" - love it. "SAW III" - love it. "SAW IV" - love it (the ice blocks, cmon!!!). "SAW V" - kinda sucks. "SAW VI" - love it. "SAW: THE FINAL CHAPTER" - really sucks. "JIGSAW" - meh. "SPIRAL" - I appreciated the direction it went. 

Ten movies, holy shit. To me, that's both impressive, and also a bit sad in that I haven't really loved a "SAW" movie since 2009. While I was incredibly stoked to hear that Tobin Bell was going to make a big return in "SAW X", I couldn't help but be skeptical when I heard it was a pseudo-sequel squeezed between the first two movies. I guess it has to make sense for those who know why, but it made me wonder what the Think Tank really had to offer. Turns out, it had plenty! I'm pretty sure Tobin was in this film more than the other 9 combined, which was far overdue in my opinion, and the writing was shockingly strong in this entry. The traps were decent, not the best, but it honestly didn't bother me much because of how character-driven "X" was. It definitely revitalized my love for the series, and Hell Yeah, bring on "XI"! 

"The Boogeyman"

I actually don't want to say much about "The Boogeyman" because it was one of the true horror gems of 2023 in how criminally underrated it was with mainstream audiences. I know my expectations were low going in, and I shouldn't ignore that playing a part, but I was truly impressed with the atmosphere, suspense, the monster, the use of light play, and the list goes on. Just go see it and keep an open mind. It's on Hulu the last I checked.

"Totally Killer" 

I can't imagine I'm the only one noticing this lately, but horror comedies have been kicking some serious ass over last decade or so. Of course, I'm not suggesting they're all Gold Standard. "It's a Wonderful Knife", for instance, was a letdown. While calling "Totally Killer" horror is generous, it is a riff on 80s slasher movies in the same way "Freaky" was a few years ago, and I loved the shit out of that movie. With "Killer", the gimmick isn't a body swap, but a time leap whilst maintaining modern sensibilities, and I have to say it's another winner! Kiernan Shipka carries a bulk of the load, and her comedic timing was sharp. The writing was also well-suited to the vibe, with a bulk of the jokes landing pretty squarely on the target. I hope it'll get a physical release later on. 

"The Burial"

Imagine my surprise when I entered "The Burial" thinking it was going to be a pretty straightforward legal drama, and have it turn out to be a colorful, energetic comedy in a lot of respects. There is drama in it, to be sure, and while I clearly didn't know the backstory of Willie E. Gary and Jeremiah O'Keefe (played masterfully by Jamie Foxx and Tommy Lee Jones) nor can I speak to the film's accuracy even now, "The Burial" was so much fun to watch. It almost feels like a call back to films of the same stripe from the 90s and 00s that don't get made as much these days. If you're a fan at all of these type of procedural films, check it out, it's well worth the watch!

"The Killer"

David Fucking Fincher. That's it. That's all. The day his name doesn't get on my Honorable Mentions list at minimum is the day I've seen it all and I can retire from existence. Okay, "Mank" was kinda-sorta close to not making it, but I still ended up having too much appreciation for it as a passion project to knock it down. 

I'll admit that I was completely on-board with Michael Fassbender when he first broke onto the scene, but then with the more I saw, the less range I noticed. However, leave it to Fincher to work that to both of their advantages, as the "Killer" lead was written perfectly for Fassbender's style and showed a precise, yet decently flawed contract killer that I found to be an interesting twist on the genre. Oh, and by the way, is it possible to talk about "The Killer" without completely geeking over how ball-bustingly satisfying the Second Act fight scene was? No? I didn't think so. 

"The Killer" likely doesn't land in my Top 5 for Fincher (a tough lot to crack), but it still gave me the sustenance to sustain me until his next film, or, pssst, more "Mindhunter", dammit!

"Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse"

Okay, okay, please put the pitchforks away! I know "Across" is in virtually every Top 10 list imaginable, and it showing up here is not me suggesting it's undeserving of that praise. I've loved both the Miles Morales movies so far, and I can't wait for more. That's also why this one in particular isn't on my Top 10 - the movie doesn't technically end. Yes, I could rank it higher on its own merits, but try as I might, I can't get my brain to work that way. I have to see "Across" and "Beyond" as a single entity, and since I can't do that yet, I reserved my Top 10 for other films that aren't under the same circumstances. Look, the animation once again is barrier-smashing, the screenplay is incredible, and the cast is perfect. If you haven't seen it, shame on you. Does that help? 

"Leo"

In 2023, I didn't have an animated musical starring Adam Sandler and Bill Burr as a classroom iguana and turtle on my Bingo card, and I certainly didn't have said combination being really good on my Bingo card, either, but here we are. Don't misunderstand me, you're not getting the likes of a "Lion King" or "Hamilton" in terms of musical chops from "Leo", but the songs are effective enough in the moments they serve, and the film offers up plenty of heart mixed with the tongue-in-cheek comedic honesty of the two leads. Whether you're a fan of him or not, I for one am glad that it appears Sandler still has plenty of fuel left in the tank.

"The Creator"

Gareth Edwards seems to be one of those directors that makes films that are good enough to be engaging, and even memorable in some ways, but somehow never really break into the stratosphere of greatness. I like "Godzilla" (2014), I like "Rogue One", and I also like "The Creator". I can appreciate how one of the biggest talking points about it has been "How the fuck did he pull this off with only $80 million dollars, and how are $250 million dollar films looking like shit lately in comparison?", but on the other hand, the downside is that "The Creator" sparks more curiosity with that than the content of the film itself. To be sure, the visuals are splendid, John David Washington does a solid job in the lead, and the story is something I'm always up to see. I didn't walk away disappointed, but I did wish it had more charisma to strongly separate it from the rest of the pack. 

"The Last Voyage of the Demeter"

Oh, Universal, you really fucked up on this one. "Demeter" has flaws for sure, and they're pretty easy to spot, especially with the (CGI) portrayal of Dracula in some scenes, but this was a compelling horror-drama from the start, and it should have gotten far more love than it received. Troubled production aside, Andre Ovredal did a great job saving this film from almost certain doom, and of course he did, "The Autopsy of Jane Doe" and "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark" don't need introductions. Not to mention Corey Hawkins and Liam Cunningham breathe tons of human emotion and life into an adaption of one, yes, one chapter of Bram Stoker's "Dracula". When it hits streaming, definitely give it a chance!

"Maestro"

If this film doesn't win heaps of awards for Best Makeup Effects, I won't know what to think anymore. The End.

Okay, but seriously, Bradley Cooper directs this movie with an abundance of ambition and energy, and with it being a biographical film about Leonard Bernstein, whom had more life than 2 hours can possibly cram in, I can and should only say so much. Just know that Cooper and Mulligan are excellent in their roles, the mix of color and black/white cinematography was pure eye candy, and like I mentioned before, the makeup details are nothing short of art. "Maestro" definitely deserves all the praise it's been getting.

Still with me? I told you it was a long list this year! It's a good problem to have, I promise.

Last, but not least:

"Past Lives"

In a world full of cotton candy rom-coms and romantic dramas that like to dive headfirst into fantasies about long lost loves, Director Celine Song and "Past Lives" dare to say, "Screw that, time for some real world shit". I can safely say this is not the type of romance that is going to pander to the stereotypes of the genre, and that it may lose some votes from the crowd that prefers the peppy and toe-tapping gloss of most romance films, but there's a reason why it's getting accolades that it is getting in the awards circuit - Celine Song, Greta Lee, Teo Yoo, and John Magara understood the assignment and crushed it. The film is a remarkably grounded slow-burn, and by the end, it dealt a few gut punches that felt more real than anything I've seen in the genre for a long while. Full applause from me!



Thank you for checking out and reading my Honorable Mentions from 2023!

Next Up: The reigning champions - "Top 10 Films of 2023"

Top 5 Most Disappointing Films of 2023

Greetings, Movie Fans!

I've gone through the mindset of this list before, so I won't spend a ton of time on it, but I've never been one to make a Top 5 or Top 10 Worst Films of the Year list. It's not that I have anything against them, in fact I'm sure it's fun to rag on movies that just didn't sit right with me. I think it's more because, as I've gotten older, if I come across a film I can't seem to digest, I don't really have much to say outside maybe the first 5 minutes after it ends. 

"Huh. Well, that's 2 hours I'm not getting back. Moving on..."

Besides, I find movies that are "disappointing" more enveloping because I had high hopes for them, but for one reason or another, they went way off track or fell short enough of the mark that it left me a bit sad on the inside. Disappointing films live in my head rent-free for much longer than I want them to. There typically aren't too many of those during a calendar year, so I opt to do 5 instead of 10

I said I wasn't going to take too long introducing the list, and here I am rambling again.

Ahem.

Without further delay, here are my Top 5 Most Disappointing Films of 2023:

5. "Run Rabbit Run"

One guaranteed ticket on the Disappointment Train is to have a promising promise, and have the execution of that premise cut short for reasons I still don't understand. "Run Rabbit Run" should have had satisfying atmosphere TO SPARE. Who doesn't love a story about a creepy kid and a mom hanging on by a thread at the end of her rope? Of course those types of plots are somewhat common, but it shouldn't matter if the aforementioned execution is on point. I'm not sure if Director Daina Reid had more in mind and the film was cut short for time, or if the vision was really that lackluster, but for some reason, the film could not be bothered to allow the audience to bask in the glow of anything. I lost count how many times I was really starting to dig a particular set piece with my little cup of horror hope starting to fill up, only for the scenes to abruptly end. What's worse is all that jumping around felt to me as if it was trying to rush to the Big Reveal just so it could show how clever the film thought it was. The trouble is that nothing is earned when that happens, and by the time the climax came to fruition, I couldn't be paid to give a rat's ass. 

I am glad to say the rent on "Run Rabbit Run" is starting to expire in my head as even the better scenes of the movie are starting fade from memory. Oh, Sweet Mercy.

4. "The Son"

Hugh Jackman and Anthony Hopkins. I see those two sharing the marquee, and the Intrigue Dial goes up a few hundred notches. Also, what's that, you say? "The Son" was directed by Florian Zeller, the same director as "The Father" that gave Anthony his recent Oscar win? Well, then, turn that dial just a few hundred notches more while you're at it!

In seriousness, I knew going in that "The Son" was getting panned left and right by the time it hit Netflix, with most complaints being that it was a poor attempt to adapt a theatre play. I suppose I should have found that odd, because it was Zeller's original play. Oh well. Jackman and Hopkins, what could go wrong? Turns out that plenty can. First off, Hopkins is only in the movie for 5 minutes. As if that weren't deflating enough, those five minutes where he is having a spiteful conversation with Jackman were by far the best minutes of the movie, and I could argue one of the only good parts. 5 minutes out of 2 hours - ouchies. 

I'm not sure how to put my finger on it, but it's sad for me to say that I think this was not the right material for Hugh Jackman to play in. We're supposed to feel empathy for him because his son has issues up the wall and down again, and his dad (Hopkins) is a giant prick. Those things combined should be enough, but the behavior of Jackman's character, and his portrayal of said behaviors made it next to impossible for me to feel empathy. Not to mention the whole screenplay was uneven as Hell. I could never find a comfortable place in it to enjoy. 

No worries, Mr. Zeller. "The Father" still exists, and for that, I forgive you.

3. "Insidious: The Red Door" 

I'm about as unapologetic a fan of the "Insidious" series that one will meet, at least in my social circle. Whereas "The Conjuring" series had two solid entries then proceeded to entirely fuck all the way off with miserable prequel after miserable prequel (and boring second sequel), "Insidious" previous to 2023 was four entries in, each one strong on its own merits, in my humble opinion. Oddly enough, I felt for the longest time that the first one was still the weakest of the bunch after losing its edge halfway through, and even then, it's a pretty solid horror flick. Outside of James Wan's direction, the cast has really been quite exceptional all the way through, including but not limited to, Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Lin Shaye, Leigh Whannell, and Angus Sampson, all of whom came together with some rather impressive chemistry to aid the scares. 

The reason I mention them is because where I think "The Red Door" suffered the most was a big lack in that cast. Byrne, Shye, Whannell, and Sampson are barely in it. Wilson and Ty Simpkins carry a majority of this film, and to be clear, they don't do a bad job at all (Wilson also made his directorial debut here), but I could never shake the feeling of who and what all was missing after having been through four previous films with them all in what's supposed to be the "final installment". "The Red Door", by design, also felt like extremely familiar territory as it revisits many events from the first film, and unfortunately, most of the events were from the second half of the first film. Needless to say, the tension and atmosphere were loyally the same to a fault. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike "The Red Door". In fact, I own it, so that I can do an "Insidious" marathon one of these days. I'm not sure what it is about horror "final chapters", but they never really do live up to the rest of the series. Maybe the filmmakers try too hard, or not hard enough? 

2. "Wish"

"Wish" found itself squarely on this list due to perhaps a fault of my own. I bought into the damn hype, and I suppose I should know better, especially since Disney's output since Covid has been more miss than hit, or in their realm, average. I don't think there's a word that can describe a disappointing Disney property quite like the word "average", and sadly, average is exactly what "Wish" turned out to be. 

I admit, I was sucked into the return to a classic premise of the magical kingdom with a magical ruler whom turns out to be a magical douchecanoe with a half-decent singing voice, because wouldn't that be so fitting for Disney Studio's 100th birthday? Disney even had the balls to show a bunch of classic Disney characters during the end credits, and I had to stop to ask myself why they were so proud of this movie? They did at least try some every-so-slightly different animation techniques to make it look more hand-drawn like the old days, but outside of that, a bulk of the characters and songs were mostly forgettable. I know it's hard to go up against the likes of "Encanto" and "Moana", but everything about "Wish" felt thrown together. It's a shame, but hey, "Moana 2" and "Inside Out 2" this year should give me some hope? Maybe? Please?

Finally, my pick for Most Disappointing Film of the Year goes to...

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1. "Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor"

I still consider the first "Hell House LLC" to be not only one of the best horror surprises I came across in all of the 2010s, but it is still hands down for my money the best found footage horror film, period. It somehow took a tired gimmick and made it fresh again in a documentary approach that worked. Yes, some of it - okay a lot of it - was tongue-in-cheek, but it managed to capture a truly eerie vibe for what was supposed to be a roadside haunted house attraction. The two sequels are amusing if nothing else, though they do take a hard right turn into goofy cheese with none of the eerie vibe. 

"The Carmichael Manor" serves as a prequel to the first, if the way-too-fucking-long title wasn't obvious enough, and it came to me as a surprise. I only found out about it a short month before its release on Shudder during Halloween. I usually don't mind a prequel if it can make itself intriguing enough to justify its existence, and for some reason, I had a really powerful magnetism towards wanting to know more behind the evil revealed in the first "Hell House". As seems to be a case with a bulk of prequels nowadays, that turned out to be a mistake in judgment on my part. Granted, my OCD was going to make me watch anyway, but "Origins" was oozing with missed opportunities. 

For starters, Carmichael Manor was a pretty impressive set piece, and practically none of it was used outside of two or three rooms. Next, and I don't mean to be rude as it may not have been her fault, but Bridget Rose Perrota as the lead character, Margot, was damn near insufferable. Picture the frantic energy of a gerbil after it digests the contents of 5 or 500 Pixie Sticks, give it an adult human voice, and you might come close to capturing the essence of Margot. Lastly, brief spoiler warning though it shouldn't be because they're on the fucking poster art, the scares were based entirely around the clowns from the haunted house. Hey, if one isn't a fan of clowns, I'm sure that's perfectly serviceable for horror entertainment, but since I'm speaking for myself only and I'm not bothered by clowns, I couldn't help but be let down by this. To be sure, they were really cool and creepy in the first "Hell House", but they were also spare in that movie. In "Origins", they're around all the damn time, and if I'm being frank, they weren't utilized worth a shit. 

A bouncing red ball rolling down a dark hallway and you're telling me there's a clown on the other side...get the entire fuck out, my friend, you must be joking.

Honestly, the film hints at a much more interesting premise about the origins of the cult leader that supposedly has everything to do with the unrest at "Hell House", but "Origins" thought clowns would be better. It seems the film was a hit, so maybe we'll get another origins film, and unlike "The Conjuring", maybe we'll get a good one. I'm not willing to bet my clown cash on it, though.

Thank you for checking out my latest list!

Next Up: 2023 Honorable Mentions

Top 10 First Time Watches of 2023

Greetings, Movie Fans!

Another year gone, and another list of favorites on the way. Four lists to be exact.

This first Top 10 list of 2023 is for the films that I saw for the first time in 2023, and were released prior to that year. There were plenty of films to choose from that pleasantly surprised me, and I figure why not open myself to scrutiny as to the how and why it's taken me this long to see some of these gems.

Without further ado, let's dive in!

10. "The Wave" (2015)

There have been plenty of disaster films post-1990s released from Hollywood and abroad, but none have really captured that genre quite as well as the films during that decade. Most mainstream disaster movies have used technological improvements and bigger budgets to make the disaster genre about as ridiculous and enormous as possible, and while that's not a bad thing by default, it does make me nostalgic for simpler times. "The Wave" finds an excellent balance of both a simpler premise and making it look incredible in terms of special effects. Kristoffer Joner also does an amicable job selling the plot as the lead scientist trying to save a small town community in Norway of an impeding avalanche that's going to cause a massive tidal wave. It doesn't do anything new with story structure - you have the build up, the event, and the aftermath. What makes "The Wave" refreshing, however, is that it sticks that landing in every aspect. Any disaster movie that can give me white knuckles and make me forget I'm watching a film is a winner every time!

9. "The Dark" (2005)

Admittedly, I hadn't heard of this little horror film from the UK until I had stumbled across it on Amazon Prime during my 2023 October horror marathon. Starring Maria Bello and Sean Bean as a married couple, "The Dark" takes place on a coastal countryside property in Wales that slowly reveals itself to be the previous home of a potential cult leader, and it soon is revealed that there is much more at play than religious fervor. If anyone has read my movie writings in the past, one of the musts for me when it comes to horror is atmosphere, and I found myself absolutely hooked by the darker themes of "The Dark", no pun intended. It certainly doesn't move at a breakneck pace, but I think that's what I loved about it in addition to all its well-placed creepiness. Of all the films I watched last October, it really was this one that stuck with me the most, and I certainly look forward to giving it another turn.

8. "Mona Lisa" (1986)

There's a long list of actors whom I make a point to see as much of their filmography as I possibly can, and as luck would have it, not mention one of the big draws I had to "Mona Lisa", two of those actors are both in this film - Bob Hoskins and Michael Caine. Caine's on screen presence speaks for itself and can elevate any film to greater heights whether the film itself is good or not. I feel Hoskins has that same ability, and one thing he does incredible well is his seamless transitions from roughneck to tenderhearted. These transitions are smooth as butter in his role here as George, an ex-con fresh out of prison trying to make a new start for himself that will allow him to be closer to his daughter. One of first said jobs lands him as a bodyguard for a high-class prostitute, who treats him well enough and he begins to think he has feelings for her. Of course, it's never that simple, as her boss and the crowd he runs with are not quite as easy to get along with. The result is an engaging comedy-romance-action-drama that quickly ranks as one of my favorite Bob Hoskins films to date (below "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"). 

7. "The Eyes of My Mother" (2016)

I didn't know much about "The Eyes of My Mother" when I decided to watch it over Christmas break, so as a result, I didn't have much in terms of expectations. I had heard some positive word-of-mouth on social media off and on, but that was extent of my knowledge. I'm glad to say that any reservations I may have had were completely blown away with the first few minutes of this film. First of all, the black and white cinematography is gorgeous in all aspects, and in some scenes, it's haunting spare. Director Nicholas Pesce made excellent use of shadows to really draw the audience in to Francisca, and the plot of how she was keeping a captor in her barn, whom so happens to be the same man who years before had brutally murdered her mother when Francisca was young. The film is quite short at 77 minutes, so I don't want to give away any spoilers, but I will say this film is an excellent example of how trauma at an impressionable age can really, well, fuck up a person. Kika Magalhaes as Francisca has to pretty much carry this film on her back, and she does incredible job of doing just that. I consider this film highly recommended for fans of slow-burning horror.

6. "The Ninth Configuration" (1980)

I assume most know by now the history of "Ninth Configuration" and how it was meant to be part of "The Exorcist" trilogy before that not at all happening. It's a shame, because this film, and really any film, can do better than what did become "The Exorcist II", and that's being polite. Regardless, while perhaps underappreciated in its time, "The Ninth Configuration" stands up incredibly well on its own. What starts out as a dark comedy of sorts quickly transcends into something much more suspenseful and melancholy. At a glance, it's really a play on mental health, especially in terms of post-war PTSD and what can happen when a mixed bag of those individuals come together in a castle for treatment. To say anymore about it would really do it a disservice, because going in blind and just letting it come to you in full as it is made me appreciate it far more than if I had tried to watch trailers or any other bits beforehand. William Peter Blatty knocks it out with his direction, and the large cast led by Stacy Keach and Jason Miller takes us for a ride with both often hilarious highs and sobering lows. It's not an easy one to find, but if you can get your hands on it, it's well worth the price of admission!

5. "Two Mules for Sister Sara" (1970)

I'm fairly certain that I watched more Westerns in 2023 than I had all the previous years of my life combined. I had watched "How the West Was Won", the Randolph Scott/Budd Boetticher westerns from Criterion, "Johnny Guitar", and a handful of Clint Eastwood westerns from the 1970s. All of them were honestly pretty great in their own right, but the one that stands tall the most for me was "Two Mules for Sister Sara." Not only was the film well-made, but it's easily the most fun I've ever had watching a Western. Don't get me wrong, "Unforgiven" will likely always be my all-time favorite, but while that one is more serious in tone, generally speaking, Clint Eastwood and Shirley MacLaine were an absolute blast together in this film with some sharp chemistry to boot. If I'm being honest, MacLaine effortlessly steals the show with every scene that she's in, and while Eastwood does what he does best in managing the action scenes (which feature excellent choreography for the time) and offering prickly one-liners, it's MacLaine that brings the levity, and to say that I adored her in the film is an understatement. It's one of the few Westerns that I can safely say I'll revisit often.

4. "Betty Blue" (1986)

I'm sure I am not alone in the belief that the longer a movie gets, the harder it has to work to earn its stripes. I can only think of about two other three-hour romantic-dramas that I've liked in the past, those being "Titanic" and "Blue is the Warmest Color", and now I can say there's a third I've liked, in fact, Loved, and that's "Betty Blue".  I think what impressed me the most about his film is that it was wise in its use of its runtime. The two main characters (and lovers), Zorg and Betty, are introduced to the audience without any backstory, and it never takes the time to do that at any point. Essentially, the characters and the audience are complete strangers to each other, and the acting by Jean-Hugues Anglade and Beatrice Dalle is so charismatic that I was completely hooked for the ride. What I also loved is that Director Jean-Jacques Beineix never meanders in a certain tone for too long. Yes, there's love, romance, sex, and comedy, but there's also some darker turns in terms of deep depression and mental instability, and I could never really tell when those turns were going to happen, which certainly passed the time. The film is three hours, but it felt like two, and sometimes that's the best compliment I can give a longer film!

3. "Shortbus" (2006)

I saw "Shortbus" back in January of 2023, so I can scarcely remember how I even learned about it. I want to say I read an article somewhere that listed films with the most risqué sex scenes, and let me tell you, they were not mislabeling this film. I can't recommend "Shortbus" enough, but it is definitely not a fit for many appetites. There is full nudity and sex all over the place in this movie, and my understanding is that the intercourse scenes were not simulations - they really went for it. That being said, what made me curious outside of a film that pushes the envelope, is I understood the story to be top-notch, and I completely agree with that. There are many characters introduced in this film, though it mainly focuses on two couples - one comprising of a man and woman, and one of two men - as they're going through different intersections of their lives and relationships when it comes to their respective sexualities. Of course, there's passion involved, but also challenging emotions that threaten to turn everything about their relationships upside down. The film is bright, colorful,  and even contains some musical numbers. It almost defies genre labels. I wasn't sure what I was going to get at first, but over a year later, I still remember the film vividly, and that's one reason I gave it one of my highest scores of the year out of every film I watched in 2023.

2. "After Life" (1998)

I feel like I owe great thanks to the Criterion Collection for exposing me to this one, or else I may have continued to miss a film I'm sure I'll be referring to as Beloved in the years to come. I tend to trust my gut when it comes to movies, and mine leapt at "After Life" as soon as I read the brief synopsis about how the film takes place in a version of Purgatory, where the dead are told that neither Heaven nor Hell exists, and that their afterlife will be eternally spent in a recreated memory of their choosing that meant the most to them. Some of the dead choose something from adulthood, some from their childhood, and some couldn't choose at all, mostly due to regret. Right off the bat, what this film did so well was staying grounded. It would have been easy as can be to turn this idea into something over-the-top and made of pure sugar, but it never once crosses that line. There's cheer in the film, bittersweetness, and also some sadness depending on the deceased person being interviewed for their memory's recreation. I also appreciated how while you get to see the beginnings of the scenes being recreated, the film forces you to use your imagination more often than not, and I found that to be more engaging by far than if they had just handed everything over to the audience in a neat little bow. It's truly beautiful on a tear-jerking level. 

As much as I loved these nine films, there truly was one that just towered above the rest. It was the type of film that reminded why I love movies as much as I do, and said film was...

...

...

...

1. "The Handmaiden" (2016)

Holy shit, did I love this film! I'm actually really pissed off at myself for taking seven years to finally see it. I think it honestly checks off every box that I have - great directing, gorgeous cinematography, well-written, top-tier acting across the board, and the list goes on. It's a drama that has romance, mystery, and a surprising amount of comedy that caught me off-guard in the best way. Sure, one could make the argument that the twist(s) can be seen coming long before they arrive on screen, and I'll admit to some truth to that, but that's the great thing about a movie like "The Handmaiden" - it really doesn't matter in the end. The film is still so well-crafted that it still unfolds in a way that is incredibly satisfying, and I for one would have been okay if it kept going for another two hours. Really the entire cast crushes it all the way through, but I have to give special praise to the two leads, Kim Min-hee and Kim Tae-ri. They have masterful chemistry with each other, but even more impressively, great chemistry with the supporting cast as well, which is critical for a film like this to work as well as it does. If I had seen this back in 2016, there's little-to-no doubt in my mind that I would have crowned it #1 at the time, and 2016 was a pretty decent year in its own right. "The Handmaiden" is a stunner, and I give it the highest recommendation!

Thank you for checking out my first Top list of 2023! 

Next up: "Top 5 Most Disappointing Films of 2023"

MrMoviesETC Reviews: "Skinamarink" (2023)

MRMOVIESETC REVIEWS:

"Skinamarink" (2023)

Unless you’ve had your head so far up your ass that you can taste the hair on your head on the back of your tongue, you have likely noticed that “Skinamarink” has been the talk of the horror town for the last month. Directed by Kyle Edward Bell on a shoestring budget of $15,000, “Skinamarink” came about via an audience participation project on Bell’s YouTube page where he asked his viewers to submit to him some of their most memorable nightmares in film form, and garnered the idea for “Skinamarink” from the film using some of the most common identities from each nightmare. In case you were wondering what this film was about - not spoiler - wink wink, nudge nudge.

As it turns out, and given the marketing for “Skinamarink”, not all-too-surprisingly, there’s not much I can say about the film itself in terms of its own description. A bulk of the film relies upon copy and paste editing, a mix of intrusive and subtle sounds, the occasional muffled voice of two children, movement of objects by forces off-camera, and shadow and light play. If you’ve read the synopsis either online or on Shudder, you get the basic idea - two young children wake up to find that their father is missing, and as they stay awake watching television trying to piece that mystery together, there’s a possibly nefarious entity in the house attempting to antagonize them. All while this is happening, the film is attempting to beg the question of the audience - is it all real or imagination? 

Well, you can draw your own conclusions on that one, but I have a few questions I can pose instead:

Is the film any good?

From an appreciative and execution standpoint - yes, I do feel it was a pretty good film.

Is the film scary?

It’s complicated.

In the traditional sense of the word “scary”, I would have to say that it wasn’t scary for me, personally. I didn’t have at any point a sense of fear or dread. However, is there a “but’ in there? Yes, there absolutely is a “but” in there. While I didn’t feel a sense of fear, what I did feel, at times in heightened levels, was anxiety. It took me nearly by surprise, probably because I wasn’t paying close attention at first, but before I knew it, my heart rate had elevated significantly, my palms were sweaty, and my right leg was doing the constant bounce-bounce-bounce thing it always does when I’m anxious or nervous. I know exactly why I was feeling this way, but I don’t find it appropriate to divulge here because the viewing experience may be so vastly different for each individual, and for anybody that might read this, I don’t want to taint how it’s received. 

It was also after I came to grips with the anxiety that I was feeling that I began to appreciate the genius of the film’s concept, as inadvertent as it may have been. The way I absorbed the idea of “Skinamarink” was that it is a portrayal of nightmares, and given the process that was done to conceive it, that would make logical sense. My nightmares generally aren’t scary, but are instead, anxious. I get a feeling of claustrophobia and tingling, and an all-around sensation that I’m about to be crushed. I have to say that once that feeling started kicking in while watching “Skinamarink”, I found I didn’t give the slightest shit about the kids or the entity. All I cared about was how the contrasting elements that were rather brilliantly orchestrated in the surrounding environments of the house near and away from the two kids gave me the uncomfortable sensation of being underwater with no oxygen mask. I don’t know if that’s both a compliment and a criticism in the same breath, but either way, it’s a takeaway I’ve not had with a film in so long that I fail to remember what would have given something similar before. 

On that note, seeing as I didn’t give a single damn about the kids and their plight after a certain point in the movie, the aggravating presence triggering my anxiousness did come to a full stop with about 20 minutes left in the movie, and it was then I started feeling detached from it all. Sure, for some the big climax will be shiver-worthy, but for me it didn’t amount to much more than a hangover after the good buzz had evaporated. That being the case, it’s not likely a film I’m going to watch again, or at least not for quite some time, because I will feel that letdown coming.

To sign off on this one, no, I don’t think “Skinamarink” is an arthouse masterpiece or so off-the-wall creative that it’ll stand alone against the past, present, and future. What it certainly is, though, from where I stand, is a very well-made project crafted from a fun online tactic, and a project that does genuinely show that millions upon millions of dollars in budget CANNOT buy you a good movie, nor can it buy the courage to present such a thing without said bigger budget. It’s already garnered plenty of love and dislike, but I’m willing to bet no matter which way your pendulum swings, you will remember it.

“Skinamarink”: 8/10

MrMoviesETC Reviews: "Bones and All" (2022)

MRMOVIESETC REVIEWS:

"Bones and All" (2022)

It’s been over 5 years since the last film I saw by Luca Guadagnino, and for the life of me, I cannot remember much about “Call Me By Your Name”. I remember the beautiful Italian landscape, decent performances by Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer that also didn’t really leave a big impression, and a seductive grapefruit. At least, I think it was a grapefruit. The point is a piece of food got American Pie’d, but I digress. Overall, I’d say I was just on the right side of lukewarm about the whole thing, and my expectations weren’t all that high to begin with seeing as I was unfamiliar with Guadagnino’s work, I barely knew who Chalamet was, and Armie Hammer was already having a mixed career up until that point. Nothing gained. Nothing lost. “Bones and All” felt altogether different. When I first saw the trailer, I gathered it was a romance involving cannibals, stylish yet unpolished cinematography, and a score composed by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross.

Well, stuff some moist dollar bills in my G-string - I’m in!

Not only was I in, but leading up to watching the film, I sampled some of said score because I have no self-control, and I got the impression fairly quickly that “Oh Christ, this is going to make fucking cry, isn’t it?” Why not? Whenever the question “What movie makes you cry?” comes up, having the answer be a cannibalistic romance wouldn’t be so bad for the resume, in my opinion. Not to mention it would create some diversity in a list mainly consisting of “The Notebook” and “The Notebook.” The story of “Bones and All” follows Maren Yearly (Taylor Russell), an 18-year-old living alone with her father in Virginia during the late 1980s, until he abandons her following an incident at a slumber party with classmates that reveals she has cannibalistic tendencies and needs. Shortly after, we hear an audio recording that he leaves for her and we quickly learn that this has been nothing new in her young life, and he has had to constantly pack her up on the run due her grisly nature. The only other items he left behind for her were an envelope of cash and her birth certificate, where she learns the name of her mother whom she’s never met. Now on her own, Maren strikes out on a road trip to reunite with her long-estranged mother. Along the way, she is first confronted by a lone, older stranger named Sully (Mark Rylance), who is also a cannibal and teaches Maren that “eaters”, as he refers to them, can sense each other through scent. Not only that, but these teachings show Maren that maybe she wasn't as alone in the world as she might have been led to believe. While swearing that he is harmless and would never consume a fellow eater, Maren feels something isn’t quite right with Sully and makes her getaway the next day. Further down the road, she has a run-in with another fellow cannibal, Lee (Timothee Chalamet), who joins in for her journey to Minnesota to meet her mother. She feels safe in his presence, and combined with the fact that he carries knowledge and ability on how to get human meat, a romance begins to bud. Anything beyond this point gets into spoiler territory, so I’ll leave it there. If my memory is serving me correctly, I feel one of the things I wasn’t quite sold on in “Call Me By Your Name” was the chemistry of the two leads. It was an amicable effort, but something never really felt right during the telling of their story. Russell and Chalamet are something entirely different together, and from where I sat, blended together nicely. For some reason, I thought this was the first time I had heard of and seen Russell in a film before, but after watching it and revisiting her past filmography, I saw that she was the lead in “Escape Room” a few years ago, and that being my only point of reference for her specifically, is probably the reason why I forgot. I wasn’t a fan - of the film, that is. Taylor was fine, I think, and in the case of this film, she's definitely more than fine. She's the main vessel for which the empathy of the view must be carried and she did a wonderful job doing just that.

Chalamet, on the other hand, is an actor I’ve seen quite a few times in recent years, and the best way I can think to describe his work is he’s either intriguing in a stiff and stoic way, or blends in with the wallpaper in a stiff and stoic way. There’s not really been any in-between to this point. Chalamet’s performance as Lee in “Bones and All”, I’m happy to say, is by far my favorite performance of his to date. There’s still some of his token Chalamet-ness hanging about, but he felt much looser and charismatic than I had ever seen before. He has an aura of confidence despite some clear fear and insecurity lingering beneath the surface. This blended well with Russell’s performance as an independent yet immaturely flawed teenager in need of direction and courage. I wish I could talk about Rylance’s performance more, because I’ve grown to admire him as an actor over the years, but a lot of his involvement in the story also gets into spoiler territory. What I can say about him and the character of Sully is it’s weird, subtle, yet effective. The best way I can describe him is that he’s forgettable, but he’s forgettable on purpose, and that takes a certain level of skill in any case. Now, moving on to the gooey and gory. What Guadagnino has accomplished here is crafting a remarkably human film - about cannibals. A good movie has the power to create empathy on any level for its characters and their stories. A great movie has the power to create empathy in situations that one wouldn’t consider having empathy for normally. Guadagnino has done a wonderful job weaving together a young love story about two people who commit murder to feed their carnal cravings that they have no control over and feel morally conflicted about giving in to. Outside of these cravings, all they want is a normal, domesticated life instead of being on the run all the time, and while the probability of their killings coming to end appears impossible, I wanted them to succeed. Of course, while the back of mind is telling me that they’re cannibals and what they’re doing and how they’re going about it is wrong, I did not wish any ill-fate on them. I found myself sold on their good intentions. I can think of way bigger assholes out in the world who don’t eat people and whom I would love to see fail. On the technical side of things, especially when it comes to the blood and the guts, and there is plenty of both in this movie, you’ll always win me over with some good ol’ practical effects. “Bones and All” has all of that in spades, and given a film set over 30 years ago, anything CGI would have felt inappropriate. I also want to give a tip of the hat to the sound mixing, because when it came down the scenes of feasting on the flesh, the sounds that came of them were so lush and engrossing that you might as well have been on your hands and knees right next to them partaking in the Nom-Nom-Nom festivities. If there was any one thing that didn’t quite work for me, and it’s a really small thing, it would be the ending. Not so much how it was drawn up and executed, but for me, it felt abrupt. Don’t get me wrong, abrupt and ambiguous endings have their place in the world, but for a film that deliberately and expertly took its time to get where it needed to go, the abruptness felt out of place. I wanted more in that “ride off in the sunset” kind of way. Even then, it wasn’t enough of a lurch to take away what “Bones and All” does well, and it does MANY things well. This was exactly the film I was hoping for when it hooked me with its initial trailers, and yes, Reznor’s subtle score in the background blended all the moods together tastefully. Speaking of taste, this isn’t likely one that is going to fit many individual’s out there, but if you enjoy horror and are looking for something on the deeper side of the blood pool, I’d say this one is well worth a look. “Bones and All”: 9.5/10

Top 10 Films of 2022

I won’t lie - crafting these Top 10 lists is one of my favorite annual events. After taking what we’ll call a “break” for the last few years, I reflected on why and drew one obvious conclusion, and another that I hadn’t really considered before: 1) Obvious - because it’s fun, and 2) there is a certain catharsis about being able to reflect on each film and reminisce about how there was at least 20 hours spent last year that didn’t suck. 

What? Isn’t that a good reason?

Okay, fine. To expand on that further, I appreciate how these lists are snapshots in time. A visual of a particular frozen moment. Any Top 10 list can change and can change quickly. These films listed below are what I would call my favorites from 2022 as of today, but it’s perfectly feasible that I will watch twenty more films from last year between now and April, and for all I know, five of those would be worthy Top 10 contenders. The reason I’m talking about any of this is because I spent previous years, especially from November-February, trying to cram as many films in from that year as humanly possible to compile data. This time around, and moving forward, I accept that there are plenty of titles I haven’t seen that could have potentially made the list, and I’m okay with that. I will still enjoy looking back at the snapshots. 

One last thing before jumping in, it will be noticed that there are some major titles missing from both this list and the Honorable Mentions that I might as well address and get out of the way:

Have I seen “The Batman”? Sure haven’t. I blame it on Batman fatigue, and before anybody trips over themselves, yes, I had MARVEL fatigue, too. I quit watching them for 3 years before just recently getting caught up again. I will see “The Batman” eventually, but I want to see it in a frame of mind that will let me enjoy it fully.

Have I seen “Top Gun: Maverick”? Sure haven’t. Yes, I will at some point, but to be honest, the original “Top Gun” has never really done anything for me, so the promise of a far superior sequel still isn’t going to excite me all that much. That’s like being excited about clear-jumping a bar buried 6 feet underground. I’ll know when the time is right, and it’ll probably be a rare moment when I look at the American flag and feel my loins tickle. 

Have I seen “Avatar: The Way of Water”? Sure haven’t. I do regret that one slightly. At the same time, I have a feeling I’ll feel about the same for “Way of Water” as I did with the original “Avatar” - praise and appreciation in the moment, then have no desire to see it again for a decade.

Alright, enough flapping on. This post is going to be long enough. Here are my Top 10 films from 2022:

10. “BEAST”

I mentioned in my “Honorable Mentions” that the movie “Prey” nearly stole this spot away, but ended up not doing that because there was one that scratched an itch in a more satisfying way. 

No, not like that, you dirty bastards.

“Beast” was a nostalgia needle that landed a bullseye directly into my vein. I have been begging for a decent Man vs. Wild feature for years, and not only is “Beast” decent, but it catapulted clear over my expectations and landed in the next zip code.

Is it a perfect movie? No, of course not, but what it does have is a cast that is game, and an extremely well-crafted CGI lion with a salty attitude hell-bent on vengeance against humanity. I know I can always stand behind a film when my subconscious mind can parrot “That’s a fake lion” throughout the entirety of the film, yet at the same time, I’m gripping my couch and trying not to mutter out loud “Dear Lord, will nobody save Idris??” That’s another thing - I loved how the filmmakers went the extra mile to give everything a sense of realism that somehow often gets missed. Combine that with a sleek 90-minute run time that doesn’t overstay its welcome, “Beast” certainly satisfied my hunger for some nature thrills. 

9. “THE APOLOGY”

I don’t keep a weather eye on Shudder’s new releases. I much prefer the game of opening the app once a week or so, seeing the five or six titles that have been added and whispering “Oo, that looks fun!” to myself. One such instance of that is “The Apology” that I believe was dropped sometime shortly after Thanksgiving. After a quick glance I was already sold with a cast I actually recognized and a premise that spoke seductively to my need for psychological thrillers. 

I really can’t say much about it as one wrong slip could hint at spoilers, but what I will say is that it knew exactly what notes to play and when to play them. I don’t care for frills or bells and whistles - I want to feel that sense of claustrophobia that only tension in small spaces can provide, and a small added bonus, a battle of wits and morals. For me, “The Apology” sets the bar high for Shudder exclusives. You’re up next, “Skinamarink”. 

8. “FALL”

Far and beyond the biggest surprise of the year for me, “FALL” is a prime example of what fantastic editing, pacing, and realism can do when they work together. Similar to “Beast”, my mind chatter was saying the whole time that of course this is fake and there aren’t real people on top of a giant, rusty tower in the middle of fucking nowhere, but that didn’t prevent the whitening of my knuckles and the puckering of my asshole. Hell, the film’s thrills are so effective that you do eventually forget the two main characters are adrenaline junkies attempting to escape their own dumbass decision, and that you do want them to survive because quickly falling to their splattery death would be anticlimactic. 

I do also believe that this a film that can maintain its bite after multiple viewings, which isn’t always the case for thrillers like these, i.e., “The Sixth Sense”. Besides, if nothing else, it’d be fun to play it with family or friends who haven’t seen it yet so you can have front row seats to see how much they twitch.

7. “EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE”

It’s not that it would be impossible to expand on what has already been said about “Everything Everywhere All at Once”, but I don’t really want to. The best way to enjoy this film is to go into it knowing the least amount as possible so you can truly buckle in for how batshit fucking bonkers it is. 

What I will say on a basic level is that Michelle Yeoh is absolutely spellbinding in this film, and she has some fantastic chemistry with Ke Huy Quan, which is really what makes this engine work where it matters the most. As far as everything else you’ve heard regarding the action and a certain performance by Jamie Lee Curtis . . . yeah, it’s all true.

6. “MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON”

I’ve said it before, and have in fact a few times recently, and I’ll say it again - if a film can create empathy from me for robots, inanimate objects, or a shell with an animated mouth and a googly eye - congratulations, you’ve made a fucking great film. 

Going into “Marcel the Shell”, I was aware of the source material and the shorts that it was built off of, but I don’t believe I’ve actually read or seen any of them. Whether that would have altered my expectations or not, I’m not sure, but I’m glad that this film was my first real introduction to the character of Marcel and his world, because it was hands down one of the most delightful and joyous films I’ve seen in recent memory. I expected to laugh and possibly even cry, but it was the way the film made me do both that was most satisfying of all. Marcel has some unexpectedly witty humor and heart, and also flaws that make him easy to connect with as a viewer. I’m already excited to watch it all over again. 

5. “THE MENU”

Every year, there has to be at least one film that both gathers piles of praise, and also contrarian comments calling it “the worst movie they’ve ever seen”. The 2022 edition of such a film seems to be “The Menu”. Look, I get it, it was advertised as having a horror slant to it, and it turned out to be much more rooted as a satirical black comedy. Even as I watched it for the first time in the theater, I was thinking and hoping for a solid horror flick starring Ralph Fiennes - because I happen to love horror films starring Ralph Fiennes, or anything starring Ralph Fiennes. But I digress. What I got instead was a satirical black comedy, and I laughed my ass off at some pretty dark shit that will assuredly fill another space on the My Soul is Doomed bingo card. Sorry, not sorry.

I joke, but I can understand “The Menu” not exactly being everybody’s bag. There are really no likable characters (by design), the plot is criticism about criticisms, and for those looking for a thrill or two, “The Menu” doesn’t have the kind of deliberate pacing that is going to satisfy that craving. However, if you are fine with all of the above, “The Menu” has plenty to offer in terms of laughs and suspense, and one I will gladly be rewatching many times in the future.

4. “VIOLENT NIGHT”

David Harbour dressed as Santa and bloodying the ever-loving shit out of a hardy bunch of criminals isn’t something I ever knew I needed in my life, but now I do, and the result was AWESOME. Look, we have had plenty of horror movies in decades past that featured Santa and a trail of innards in his wake, but outside of maybe a choice few, none of them ever elevated past the level of good cheese. “Violent Night”, conversely, took the time to hit all the right boxes while not forgetting how to have a good time. It has heart, humor, and violence that steadily gets cranked up as the film goes along instead of showing all the cards in the First Act. It runs around 100 minutes, but feels much more like 80 with its near-perfect pacing. 

I don’t know if I can say if it will end up in the company of “Klaus”, “Home Alone”, and “The Muppet Christmas Carol” that I consider Must-Watches every December, but I’m more than willing to try it out and see how it fits!

3. “HELLRAISER”

Fuck it, I’ll say it right off the bat and run with it - the new imagining of “Hellraiser” both improves upon and transcends the Clive Barker original. I didn’t say it replaces or nullifies the original - I just said it’s better. 

When it comes to the horror mainstays of the 70s and 80s, “Hellraiser” is easily one of the most unique of the bunch. It dealt with the supernatural and the surreal, instead of a lone figure stalking neighborhoods and camps with an odd ultra-vendetta against fornication. Michael, Freddy, Jason, Chucky, and Ghostface all had their unique markers, but put them all in a line-up and none stand out quite as much as Pinhead, so in my mind, he deserves proper respect based on that and his particular breed of brutality alone. 

That being said, I absolutely loved the new take on Pinhead in this latest film, and Jamie Clayton completely owned the role. I was enamored by her new aesthetic, and honestly, the aesthetic of all the new Cenobites. They added a whole level of menace that I feel some of the Cenobites from the 80s lacked, and they brought some fun, creative kills along for the ride. Speaking of which, if I do have one complaint, is that I do wish they had used more practical effects for the gore instead of heavy reliance on noticeable CGI blood, but that issue disappears as quickly as it arrives.

There will always be a place on my list for the original “Hellraiser”, but when a reimagined version does it so right that it gives the classic car a shiny new coat of paint, I do feel I’ll be leaning towards this one more often than not when in the mood for Hell-like carnage.

2. “GUILLERMO DEL TORO’S PINOCCHIO” 

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s a wrap. For me, this is the official “Pinocchio” to end all Pinocchios, and I won’t need to see any future versions.  No, really, eat your heart out, Disney - there’s a new-old sheriff in town, and his name is Guillermo Del Toro. 

Okay, I could be a Del Toro fanboy all day, but there’s a list to finish. At the same time, it’s not my fault that (nearly) everything Del Toro touches turns to gold, and as such, my expectations for “Pinocchio” were some of the highest for any film in 2022. I was quick to dismiss the possibility at first, but as I was watching this “Pinocchio” for the first time, I began to realize that some of those expectations had to have stemmed from the fact that the Disney remake, which also came out in 2022, inexcusably sucked. I wasn’t expecting a lot seeing as the Disney “live action” remakes have been getting steadily worse, but said remake did leave a void in my soul that needed repairing. Thanks to Del Toro’s patience and craft, that repair came and then some in the form of wonderful storytelling, character depth AND design, and another step up for the art of stop-motion animation. Every character and landscape that was brought to the forefront stood with their own sense of individuality, making them memorable in a unique way - not to mention having Ewon McGregor voice of Sebastian J. Cricket be one of the best casting choices of the year. Lastly, I adored the gravity of the story, and how it dealt with consequences, mortality in an honest way, and how “Happily Ever After” really can’t last forever. 

“Pinocchio” is a gem all around, and while I don’t know if any film could ever surpass “Pan’s Labyrinth” as my favorite of Del Toro's filmography, “Pinocchio” may be a strong second for a long time. 

And, finally, my Top Film of 2022:

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1. "THE BLACK PHONE"

Talks of nostalgia have come up a few times on this year’s lists, and “The Black Phone” also fits into that mold; however, it only does so in terms of vibe and cinematography, while the rest lives and dies on its own creativity and filmmaking choices. 

99% of the time, it’s hard not to be bitter when a film, particularly a horror film, fails to live it up to the hype generated around it, even if the hype is no fault of its own. “The Black Phone” felt differently to me leading up to its release right off the bat, because it was generating buzz, but the advertising and trailers were incredibly subtle in the best possible way. I remember when I saw the first trailer, which was also my first time hearing about it, before “Jurassic World: Dominion”. The trailer couldn’t have been more than 20-30 seconds long, and showed nothing but the titular phone itself in a grungy basement room. That’s all I had to introduce me to “Black Phone” outside of the eventual poster with Ethan Hawke’s face beneath a mask, and that’s all I needed to instantly get excited with a “Fuck yes, I need to see that! It’s hiding something, and I need to know what it is." 

What it ended up being, in my opinion, was the best and most complete horror film of the year, and the race wasn’t close. Everything about this film, all the parts that matter anyway, simply work. Mason Thames and Madeleine McGraw as the two main child actors were outstanding. Saying “Oscar-worthy” makes me cringe these days, but screw it, Ethan Hawke as the villain was Oscar-worthy in his performance, both humorous and unsettling. The set pieces were creepy and reminded me a little bit of “The Silence of the Lambs”. And tying it all together was a great, little editing choice to give the film a 70s tint style reminiscent of the movies from that era. 

Sometimes I do get too excited after a first viewing, but after I watched “The Black Phone” a second time at home, I’m thrilled to say it was just as good, if not better - leaving me with that fleeting, yet precious feeling of pure horror joy.